GLOMP - The Tutorial
The phenomenon known as the GLOMP is hardly unknown, however the nuances of its execution and even etymology often comes into question. Therefore we will begin this series of tutorial to provide more information in this curious form of affection.
Firstly is the recognition that while it often resembles a physical assault, GLOMP is actually a form of affectionate display, although it is certainly a boisterous one. It is in fact also often refereed to as aggressive affection, the mughug and upon occasion the run by hugging.
GLOMP is actually not a word but an acronym for Grab, Latch On, Maintain Pressure. and is an excellent example of a word that means exactly what it implies. As the name indicates, it lends itself to enthusiastic application.
In applying the GLOMP, total commitment to the action is imperative for best results.
a successful GLOMP is often measured by force of impact. Surprised expressions are also considered for bonus. This example is a 3.5
An important consideration is the mass of the GLOMPER compared to the size and mass of the target. In some cases, GLOMPers must settle for a Lower Limb GLOMP.
It is an unfortunate fact that there are those who will not show appreciation or, indeed, may not like being GLOMPed, and can be potentially discouraging to the enthusiastic GLOMPer. In such cases, remember to Maintain Pressure. Perseverance is its own reward.
The GLOMP Achetypes
In all matters pertaining to GLOMPing techniques, one must consider both the archetypical GLOMPer as well as the target, referred to as the GLOMPee. While there are those GLOMPers who regard such study as either detracting or even antithetical to the spirit of GLOMP, serious students will find that their efforts are rewarded in a greater GLOMP success to failure ratio, often improving their successful GLOMP rate by 48 percent.
The GLOMP Challenge
All Granok, due to their greater Mass to Target ratios, are something of a challenge to the dedicated GLOMPER, and it is reccomneded that they be GLOMPed with caution and in a suitable open area. (Remember the First Rule of Good GLOMPING- Safety First!)
While they are often jovial and therefore GLOMP receptive, care should be taken in the rare but potential hazard of unbalancing one, as Granok can cause injury to others, and even property damage if toppled. In such cases the experienced GLOMPer may engage the GLOMPee with further applications of Maintain Pressure, generating further good will and forgiveness. However, less experienced GLOMPers, especially if the GLOMPee is otherwise unknown to the GLOMPer, will find that their best recourse is to depart as quickly as possible.
The GLOMP Institute does award bonuses if the event is captured on camera, however. Posting to Youtube is the preferred Proof Of Glomp.
The Enthusiastic GLOMPer
The most common GLOMPer, The Enthusiast is one most prone to applying random GLOMPS. Characterized by a desire to share the positive energy of the GLOMP embrace, they apply GLOMP to friends, affectionate acquaintances, strangers, most housepets and the occasional policeman.
However, they are known to ( while with the best intention) to engage in inappropriate GLOMPing, usually due to engaging either the Suspicious GLOMPee or, worst, the Unappreciative GLOMPee. They often regard the Suspicious GLOMPee a challenge, and an Unappreciative GLOMPee is always an attractive target due to perceived satisfaction, but do not be deceived - this is often poor judgement and leads to difficulties.
The Enthusiasts hallmarks are GLOMPing n public, GLOMPIng in private, and engaging in random GLOMPs, especially when there is space to allow a decent runup, as the Enthusiast always tends to favor the ability to deliver a High Impact GLOMP. They are often easily spotted by their general demeanor, and habit of always wearing running shoes.
The Suspicious GLOMPee
Regarded by all GLOMPers as the supreme challenge and target of choice among the more competitively minded, the Suspicious GLOMPee is most notable for being either Suspicious due to personal phobias such as paranoia, anthrophobia, personal space issues or having what most GLOMPers refer to as the unfortunate "Stick Up The Ass" syndrome .
The suspicious GLOMPee is challenging not only due to their naturally suspicious and cautious nature but also by the fact they will frequently not only avoid putting themselves into situations allowing a GLOMP to be applied, but will actively evade if the incoming GLOMPer . In such cases, most GLOMPers will either opt for the classic Run By Hug, the ever popular Pass and Latch, or among the more experienced, the difficult but always rewarding Flying Grab. Among true aficionados, the Slide, Squeeze, Latch, Retreat and Return is universally regarded one of the most difficult yet affectionate maneuvers, requiring as it does an initial GLOMP, a feint and followed by a second applied GLOMP to the subject. As the Suspicious GLOMPEee is as of the first Latch made aware of the GLOMPers attention, the second Latch is especially hard to successfully engage, and many regard managing to pull off this maneuver on a Suspicious GLOMPee the most showy and flamboyant of GLOMPs.
When such GLOMPees prove irate or sometimes even hostile, often the only way to avid further negative attention is the application of the principle of Mutually Assured GLOMPage, in which case a backup GLOMPer is efficacious.
While not all Suspicious GLOMPees are innately hostile, care must be taken as this GLOMPee is most frequently typified by the Unappreciative GLOMPee. Care should be taken, as such GLOMPees have been known to react in a deeply negative manner. Bulletproof garments are a must.
The Unsuspecting GLOMPee
While often rewarding, the Unsuspecting GLOMPee has two features most notable - they are, of course, unsuspecting and therefore susceptible to the quick and easy GLOMP. This means they will almost always be surprised, an always desirable reaction to a GLOMPer seeking to deliver a truly memorable GLOMP.
On the other hand their unsuspecting nature, while making them an easy target, also means they do not grade as highly for difficulty as the Suspicious GLOMPer. This doesn't mean the GLOMPer need avoid delivering a proper latch when the opportunity presents itself, but the points for style usually reserved for more difficult GLOMPs are seldom awarded in these cases. However, because of this, Unsuspecting GLOMPees are recommended for the less experienced GLOMPer.
Often the Unsuspecting GLOMPee will be dismayed by sudden GLOMPing, so always be prepared to Maintain Pressure as needed while assuring the GLOMPee the action is indeed affectionate and not an assault. In such cases the GLOMPee may return the gesure, also Maintaining Pressure. In such cases this is considered acceptable.
The Stealth GLOMPer
The Stealth GLOMPer is one whose preferred method to GLOMP is by ambush, using Sneaky Methods or even Deceptive Practices. They may be Enthusiasts, or more often are the perpetrator of the Planned GLOMP. Not as spontaneous as the Enthusiast, they often are more successful, and in some cases take greater risks to achieve Maximum GLOMP due to these GLOMPers being far more deliberate. This GLOMPer seeks not to deliver a GLOMP for its own sake, but to advance their art and technique of their GLOMP by perfecting their delivery, impact and regard themselves the elite GLOMPer. They are inclined to deliver a GLOMP with style, precision and verve.
In our next Tutorial - the common cause of the failed GLOMP, and how to counteract it. Also, what to do in cases of injury, police involvement, or lawyers.
to be continued.......
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